Playlist: Songs You Can’t Have Sex To

Posted: July 15, 2010 by eg in General
Tags: , ,

Banana Phone: Leading Cause of Impotence

Some people have that special playlist made specifically for striking the right mood. It usually begins with Marvin Gaye’s “Sexual Healing” and is closely followed by “Lets Get It On”.  Well, I don’t.  As a freshman in college I decided to go against the grain and make a playlist that would kill even the best of moods and turn a nice “sexy time” atmosphere into awkward and uncomfortable at best.  I’m fairly certain I’ve succeeded.  “Why,” you ask?  I thought it would be funny and a good conversation piece, but that is besides the point.  Now I know there will be those people who will say “I could have sex to that song!” Well, you’re entitled to your opinion, but I assure you, you’re underestimating the power of my Top 10 Ultimate Mood-Killer Songs.

Click the songs to hear them on Grooveshark. In no particular order, here it is:

You Spin Me Right Round – To the average listener this may just sound like a good ol’ fashioned 80’s tune.  However, to understand why this song makes it on this list, one must first understand the fabled “Meat Spin”.  For those of you who haven’t seen it, I would try to keep it that way.   “Meat Spin” is the title of a webpage that is widely used for practical joke purposes.  What happens is someone sets the victim’s computer’s homepage to be this website while he is away and the next time the victim logs on, they are greeted with this song being played to a looping video of spinning meat (not the kind you ate for dinner).  The result of the prank usually goes something like this: “Hold on I just need to check my email real quick-AWWW!!!! What the hell man?! Where the fuck is Cooper? I know he did this! Where is Coop’s computer, I’m going to make his desktop background a giant penis. Asshole.” This particular song is very strongly associated with an image burned into the eyes of millions of people….all that meat…spinning…*shiver*

Mission: Impossible – The two times when this would be appropriate during a sexual act is if you’re attempting to have sex in the middle of a crowded and inexplicably silent room or you’re a secret agent and trying to disarm a bomb inside of a woman’s vagina.  Its unlikely you will ever find yourself in either of these situations.  Moby’s techno remix of the Mission Impossible theme can turn the mood from “Horay its sex! Yipee!” to “Shhh! And don’t touch the floor!” in a matter of seconds. Toast.

Push It To The Limit – Again, there is a situation for this song: somewhere in the middle of an 80’s montage.  Unfortunately, were not in the 80’s and you’re not a montage.  This falls into a similar category of mood killer as “Your The Best” by Paul Engemann.  Sure, its pretty encouraging, and at times it sounds like it is actually talk about sex, but there is only a very small amount 80’s montage music any couple amidst  sex can deal with.  And that amount is 14 seconds.  Any more than that and you’re risking developing a cocaine habit and getting caught up in a drug war in Miami.  Speaking of Miami…Will Smith – Miami…game on.

Ow, you're hurting me.

Mortal Kombat – Unless you are too young or too old to have played this game, you can’t help but think about uppercutting the crap out of someone or the words “finish him” when this song comes on.  Way too much 16 bit gore for sex I would say. The energy of this song kinda makes me feel like I need to be doing spinning roundhouse kicks and shadow boxing in a room filled with ninjas and poisonous snakes.  A healthy relationship never involves spinning roundhouse kicks…unless you’re Chuck Norris.  And you’re not Mr. Norris.

Banana Phone – I don’t know what it is about this song but when I began the list Banana Phone was one of the first songs I thought of.  For this one you need to close your eyes and just put yourself in this situation. I’ll walk you through it.  It’ll be like guided meditation. Okay, so you’ve closed the deal, she has signed a mutual consent form and you have just started getting down to business. Everything is going great. You know the deal.  Then, a few minutes in you hear “ring ring ring ring ring, banana phone!” in that semi creepy albeit friendly voice.  All of the sudden you feel like you should be hanging out with Teletubbies or Barney and the gang.  Mister Rogers is hover over your shoulder.  You can’t perform under this pressure.  It’s Mister Rogers!  Just the overall tone of this song would be too much to bear.

Mr. Miyagi "Wax On" a girl

You’re The Best – Alright, listen to this song and tell me the first thing you think of isn’t either Mr. Miyagi or Randy Marsh’s drunken, half naked, dad fight montage from South Park.  At first you may think the song is so encouraging and positive it could only help you out however, that may only be the case for the first few second. But then the chiché-ness of it all starts to sink it.  It suddenly feels like everyone is depending on you and its not fun anymore, its a very serious competition. How does wax on, wax off apply to sex? Shit, what about paint the fence?

Rock And Roll – Talk about pressure. The only place you hear this song is at crowded sports arena.  One minute its just you and her and the next its you and her at center ice in the middle of Madison Square Garden with ten thousand fans cheering “Na na na na naaaaaa na! HEEEYYY!”  If the pressure doesn’t get you, the sudden urge to pump your fist and sing along is a recipe for disaster and a definite deal breaker.

Power Rangers Theme – Nothing kills the mood better than the theme song to a show you watched when you were six.  How do you explain to a girl why the Power Rangers theme song came on your stereo in the middle of you making the sexy? And telling her the truth about how you always thought the pink ranger was hot probably won’t help your cause.

Is Puppet Sex Offensive?

Everyone Has Aids – Scratch that last remark, nothing kills the mood better than a song about everyone having AIDS. Thank the South Park guys for this gem of a song.  I don’t think there is anything more I can really break down about this song besides the fact that “AIDS” is said 59 times in the song.  Regardless of the situation between the two parties involved, nobody wants to hear “AIDS” chanted in your ear during sex.

Jack Sparrow – AHH! You’re on a pirate ship! Oh wait, you’re having sex. Or are you? Exactly. Its hard to keep track of what exactly is going on while your listening to this song. One thing for certain, this song makes me want to swing for a rope, have a sword, stab someone with said sword, punch three people in the face, jump off something high, explosion, another explosion, save the damsel in distress, never mind the damsel, shoot a gun, punch three more people in the face.  Now, this might offend people, and I am sorry for that, but doing the previously listed things while listening to that song would be way better than sex. Lets be honest.  Seriously, this song is way too intense and would make sex incredibly more dangerous that it needs to be.

Again, I know there will be people who insist they can have sex to these songs. I encourage you to leave your feedback in the comment section, so I can rub it in your face when you realize I’m right, and then get a friend and attempt to prove me wrong.

  1. MJS says:

    Sorry, just thought of this now. When I die, whenever my casket is moved from one place to another during the funeral services I want the Jack Sparrow song to be playing for everyone to hear. That way, everyone realized how intense I am, even in death.

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