An Open Letter to Subway

Posted: July 24, 2010 by Brick in General, Rant
Tags: ,

An open letter to subway,

Subway, I would like to begin this letter by commending your recent efforts to properly tessellate your cheese ( at all of your fine establishments.

However there are still two major hurdles for you to overcome in order to reach delicatessen greatness – proper ingredient distribution, and proper ingredient portioning. I speak of course of the phenomena which plague upon nigh the entire delicatessen world, with few exceptions (see: New Riverdale Deli, Cherry Valley).

After performing an in depth analysis of your sandwich (The Sweet Onion Chicken Teriyaki, foot long Italian bread, toasted w/mozzarella cheese, lettuce, tomato, bell peppers and sweet peppers… should anyone wish to reproduce my findings). I have found that ingredient distribution tends to happen as such as listed from the inside crease of the sandwich out: Chicken, Mozzarella, Lettuce, Tomato, Banana Peppers, and Sweet Peppers.

There are two major design flaws in that statement. The first being “Crease”, by not slicing the bread completely through the sandwich is being set up for a lifetime of sub-par ingredient distribution due to the fact that when this bastion of tastiness is laid upon the cutting board to receive its scrumptious ward, it is forced to sit in a “V” shape, thereby forcing the ingredients to be cascaded onto one another in a more vertical direction than is desired. Should the crease be done away with, your sandwiches could have one half laid flat, the ingredients placed in the correct alignment, followed by the second half of the bread placed on top, securing the ingredients in their position. See Figure 1 for illustration.

Figure 1 - Proper Approach to Ingredient Distribution

This brings us to the second error – Chicken, Mozzarella, Lettuce, Tomato, Banana Peppers, and Sweet Peppers. Whence performing the horizontal chomp maneuver most of us refer to as “biting”, it is undesirable to only taste one or possibly two of the flavorlicious ingredients of the sandwich, point in case being that if the bite is taken too much towards the aforementioned crease, only chicken and mozzarella are found, while too much towards the open ended side, and you will find yourself in a wasteland of vegetables, with no fulfilling meat or cheese to be had. Instead of just chicken and cheese or vegetables, what I should taste is what I call – ChickaMozzaVeggie. The combined might of all the sandwich has to offer should be enjoyed in a single taste bud punching onslaught, bringing the eater to the brink of ecstasy before it is triumphantly relinquished to the stomach for post-consuming fulfillment.

Proper portioning is the second major hurdle over which the Subway sandwich must vault over to free itself from the chains of grade B chain sandwich shop bondage. When ordering the Sweet Onion Chicken Teriyaki sandwich, I do not wish upon my taste buds the bland labor of lettuce, tomato and other vegetables; these should serve to fill the ends of the previously discussed post-consuming fulfillment, much as they do on one of America’s favorite food past-times, the Hamburger. The proper Hamburger’s focus is on the meat patty, all else is merely adornment and filler, just as such, all other ingredients aside from anything to do with Chicken or Sweet Onion Teriyaki should be relegated to a second-class ingredient (with the exception of cheese… cheese rocks). As such, I shouldn’t receive a sandwich that is approximately 25% chicken, 5% cheese, and 75% vegetable. In this sandwich connoisseur’s opinion, the proportions should be more like 40% chicken, 10% cheese, and 50% vegetable (assuming that there is a hefty quantity of vegetable, again, I am basing this off of my order above).

Subway, I can only hope you take my words into careful consideration, for until you have fixed these grievous errors, I personally shall be seeking sandwich enlightenment elsewhere.
The Employed Graduate


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