The F.E.C.A.L. System Of Being Unemployed

Posted: July 29, 2010 by eg in General
Tags: , , , ,

I’ve had a bit of writers block lately, so today while on the toilet (when men do their thinking), I began pondering what I could write about. I didn’t want to just do the usual partially coherent ramblings, but maybe something of substance this time around. And I know that goes against The Unemployed Graduates motto of “where nothing substantial is ever said or accomplished” but bear with me, I think an exception can be made.

Turn that frown upside down with my F.E.C.A.L. material

To talk about something intelligently I need to be knowledgeable of whatever it is I decide write about, so I thought “what am I good at?” Initially I came up with these things: driving in reverse, second grade math, some video games, the elementary backstroke, and monopoly. But then it hit me; I am awesome at being unemployed. Easily top 10 in the world.

Being unemployed is a terrifying thought for some people.  I have been unemployed for most of my life and I can tell you, with the right approach, it doesn’t have to be an unpleasant experience. You may ask “how will I support myself” or “what if I don’t find another job”; all legitimate questions, but thats not really my problem. I’m here to make sure you get the most out of your “permanent and mandatory vacation” from your past employer. My copyrighted F.E.C.A.L. system, if utilized properly, will ensure you become a pro at being unemployed.

F**k It

Say “f**k it”. Feels good, doesn’t it? Employment is like a drug addiction. Once most people find themselves out of work, the sudden abundance of unstructured free time on their hands is like overwhelming withdrawal symptoms so they immediately being looking for a job. This is bad. Admit you’re addicted to working and begin to embrace your unemployment. Chill out, relax, start doing drugs, do whatever you want. But most importantly, adopt a policy and mindset of “F**k it” in your day-to-day life. Keeping up this “F**k it” mentality is especially important in the first stages of unemployment:

The Dude abides

Got laid off? — “F**k it”

Someone always on your ass about getting a new job? — “F**k it”

You get the idea

hint: watch The Big Lebowski and try to be as much like “The Dude” as possible.

Exercise to Rationalize.

A good way of tricking your brain into thinking you’re being productive is to exercise every day, go running or something. I’m not talking about training for a marathon, because that is technically a job, but just a few miles every day. Set some goals and work toward them. That way if someone gets on your ass about not being productive you can rationalize why you actually are being productive.

What do you do all day? You re not being productive! – “I ran 3 miles today, I’m getting closer to my goal of 5 miles. F**k it.”

Come Up With Something Really Cool To Buy. Then Buy It.

Not a car, that is stupid and financially irresponsible. You just got laid off, remember? I have two rules I follow when thinking about a splurge. First, it has to be related to something I already enjoy doing; don’t buy an art kit just because you liked art class in the 5th grade. Second, it has to have to potential to consume alot of your time. If you like taking pictures, buy a new camera or a new lens. If you like music, buy a guitar and a few weeks lessons. I enjoy video games so I bought Forza Motorsport 3. I’ve probably pumped in a good 12 hours of playing time and only completed about 10% of the game. $60 for a crap ton of hours of enjoyment…worth it. Netflix is also an awesome investment.

Mike’s Spending Enjoyment Quotient = (Potential Hrs Consumed by Investment) ÷ (Current Price of Investment)

Large asses suprisingly cannot entertain indefinitely

Avoid Too Much “Boob Tube”

First, TV is really depressing lately. All this talk about a bad economy and people losing their jobs will probably scare you into breaking the “F**k it” rule. Again, that is bad. Second, TV gets really boring really fast. There is only so much Mythbusters and Keeping Up With The Kardashians you can watch before you literally bore yourself into wanting a job. Bad.

Look For A Job. But Not Too Much.

It will eventually come to the point when it is just simply time to get a job, so you should be prepared. Approach the job hunt with the “F**k it” attitude. Throw some resumes and generic cover letters around, follow ups optional. This also helps rationalize remaining unemployed because technically you are looking for a job, despite the “F**k it” attitude. Eventually something has to turn up, right? (I’m currently testing out this approach, we’ll see how it works out)

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