Signs Of A Bad Driver

Posted: August 5, 2010 by eg in General
Tags: , , ,

I’m not going to sit here and say I am the best driver, cause that is just a really douchey thing to do. But I do consider myself to be a fairly good, albeit easily distracted driver (“Mike, you know were going to Burger King, right?”“Yeah, so?” “You just passed it.”).  I also consider myself to be a pro at spotting bad drivers before its too late and I’m trapped behind one. The usual driving ability stereotypes of age, race and sex are no help in avoiding bad drivers. By the time you use your stereotyping power and realize there is an elderly woman of Asian decent (politically correct term) wearing an eye patch behind the wheel of the car next to you, you’re already too close and likely in very grave danger.

Not to stereotype, but shes probably not the best driver. She put the steering wheel on the wrong side!

Click to read the rest of the story…

Where the fuck are the Beanie Babies?

I’ve compiled a list of ways I identify possible threats to a speed journey and my safety while on the road. Keep in mind there are always exceptions to rules, so don’t be offended if you’re in one of these groups (directed at my readers who are one-eyed, ex-Formula 1 driver, old Asian women).

1. Stuffed Animals in Rear Window – Any time I see people with tons of crap in their back windows I assume they aren’t as intelligent as me or my pet lemon tree (named Planty McPlanterson). Stupid people are generally stupid drivers. I use my rear window every time I drive, good drivers usually do. If its filled with stuffed animals, tissue boxes and old McDonalds bags, you look like an ass and you likely drive like an ass.

2. Rectangles Hanging From Rear View Mirror – Thats obvious, this person is dangerously nearsighted or simply very old. I’m not saying old people are bad people, just not the best drivers. Aside from indicating the driver is likely to be ancient, having shit hanging from your mirror, including massive amounts of beads, creates a rather large blind spot right in front of you. Take that shit off your mirror, nobody cares you went to Mardi Gras and showed your boobies a bunch of times. Unless I was there and I saw them.

Al Gore to the rescue!

3. Catholic Radio Bumper Sticker – All bumper stickers are indications that myself and that person are unlikely to ever be friends, but the Catholic Radio Station stickers specifically spell danger for some reason. Too much praising Jesus and not enough time watching the road. Another one to watch out for: anything Al Gore related.

4. Out Of State Plates – Just like every driver thinks they’re the best, every state thinks they’re the best as well. So, naturally, every other state than your own sucks at driving by comparison. Every region has their own style of driving and their own interpretation of what is considered proper road manners. Stray too far from your region or have an outsider stray into your is like road culture shock. I’ve actually had better luck with Canadian drivers. For some reason, those snow people can hold their own on the road in my experience. Tip to Non-Upstater New Yorkers: just because its snowing doesn’t mean you can go 30mph on the highway.

5. Its Between 11AM And 4PM On A Weekday – Its when the retirees come out and play. Average speeds plummet, turn signals stay on for miles and miles for no reason whatsoever, and every other mirror has a mysterious blue rectangle dangling from it. Its an orgy of old people driving like old people.


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