Picture Of The Week: Rhino Kick

Posted: September 17, 2010 by eg in Pictures, Time Wasters
Tags: , , , , , ,

Once in a great while a picture comes along that truly speaks to us as human beings. A particular came through my mailbox last week was one of these said pictures. Aside from my primary needs of food, water, clothing and shelter, my secondary needs include explosions, crazy electric guitar and occasionally a fight with an animal larger than myself. This picture fulfills all of my secondary needs and somehow, almost miraculously, I no longer feel the needs for food or water whilst I gaze upon its awesomeness. So, here it is…

Take that, Rhino!

Unfortunately, I do not know the original artist of this masterpiece so I can’t give credit where its obviously due. However there is a reward out for anyone who can track down it’s creator and bring back a name for the Unemployed Graduate. What reward you ask? Probably somewhere between 1 and 2 dollars. Unemployed, remember?

Maybe this picture doesn’t speak to the female population as well as it speak to males, but I don’t care, its awesome. I can only imagine two possibilities for how this came into being; a hallucinogenic drug induced art session or actual events.  Although I think it would be hilarious to see someone paint this while tripping on LSD, screaming about rhinos and explosions, I hope it is based on actual events. Here is my take on what happened:

Pvt Francis M. Jenkins of the US army was sent on a special, top secret mission to aid in our fight in the Pacific during WWII. Command instructed him to sneak behind enemy lines and into a major Japanese city to strike terror into their people. They believe by demoralizing the Japanese civilian, the soldiers would soon follow.  Why was Pvt Jenkins chosen for this mission you ask? First, he was a master of all trades. His hands were deadly no matter where you placed them, around a guitar or under a gun. He was skilled in the art of deception as well as four different types of martial arts. Seconds, he was bat-shit crazy.

So off he went at the beginning of our war in the Pacific and parachuted deep into the mountains overlooking the densely populated Japanese cities. Over the coming months, Jenkins made his was into the cities and began his job. One of his greatest achievements include leaving flaming bags of his own excrement on no less than 73 peoples doors in one night without being spotted once. Whether the fact he was not spotted during that night or the fact that he could muster enough feces to fill 73 paper bags is more incredible is still up for discussion to this day among WWII vets, just ask them. Incredible as this is, it was not his greatest.

Some of his bags of feces were mistaken for Japanese lanterns

On evening of August 5th, 1945, while in disguise as a Japanese waiter at a party for top military personnel just outside of Hiroshima, Japan, Jenkins overheard officers speaking about the turning point of the war being upon them. In order to get a better listen, Jenkins moved in and offered a nearby group some spicy tuna rolls. He learned that the Americans had successfully built an atomic bomb and planned on dropping one on Hiroshima tomorrow morning. However, the Japanese obviously had gotten wind of this plan and had set up defenses to shoot down the plane before it had a chance to drop the bomb. Jenkins then learned that the Japanese could and planned on recovering the bomb and using it against a major American city.

Pvt Francis M. Jenkins knew his day had come. His day to help end the war for the USA. But he knew it was a one-way mission, the only way he could ensure the bomb was dropped was to be inside the city to distracted the anti-aircraft gunners.

In the early hours of August 6th, 1945, Pvt Jenkins made his way to the Hiroshima zoo, the location of the camouflaged Japanese long range AA guns. Only a few yards from the gunners, Jenkins ripped off his shirt, yelled a racial slur, and began what was likely the greatest guitar solo ever heard. Astounded that an American was right there in front of them and sent into tears by the sheer beauty and awesomeness of Jenkin’s electric guitar skills, the gunners never saw the Enola Gay on approach far overhead. Jenkins spotted the plane and knew he only needed to continue for mere minutes more however a rhino, angry from being awoken by music he couldn’t appreciate, charged on his position. Jenkins didn’t falter. He continued his solo while fending off the massive rhino and just as the Enola Gay released it’s payload, Pvt Jenkins closed his solo and landed a swift kick to the rhino’s testicles, ending his battle with the beast, his mission, and WWII.

Although unsung, Pvt Francis M. Jenkins is a true American hero, immortalized in this masterpiece.

  1. ahem,i think it’s called “shredding nuclear rhino kick.”

  2. Tom says:

    Haha great story… only problem is that only the Marines fought in the Pacific, so he must have been on a super secret mission if he was in the Army, which is completely possible.

  3. Anonymous says:

    There were more Army units in the Pacific than the Marines.

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